Four Steps to Take When Speaking Up at Work
Dear Tanja,
I don’t like how I feel after meeting with my boss. I am starting to feel anxious the days before our meeting, especially the morning of. What can I do to change this?
I know how difficult this can be because I’ve been there. First, I want to acknowledge how huge it is for you to notice and maintain awareness of anxiety and its pattern. Second, reaching out indicates that you are ready to do something about it.
There are so many unique things about your work environment- the company culture, your colleagues, policies, and the dynamics of the leadership team. Please remember this as you read this advice and trust yourself to do what feels right and safe.
In any relationship, professional and personal, there are ups and downs. With that said, it is not OK, under any circumstance, to not feel good after meeting with a supervisor. Even through the toughest of conversations, honest feedback, or disagreements, there should be an element of trust and safety that persists. If you are being affected by the level of engagement with your boss, to the point that the anticipation of meeting with them affects your well-being, you are doing the right thing to seek support.
My advice is to speak up. I know that is not easy, especially when managing up. So here are a few tips on how to approach this conversation.
Find a moment of stillness. Meditate.
This is an important overlooked step. Take a moment to consider what you want to see change. Connect to your intention and let that be your guide. When someone has hurt us or caused a disruption in our lives, it is natural to respond to the hurt with hurt. Take a moment to connect to your true intention- maybe it is feeling safe at work, finding joy in your team meetings, or feeling accepted by your manager. Knowing this will help you understand what you want to see moving forward.
2. Journal.
There is a satisfaction in unloading your thoughts on paper- the good, the bad, and the things you’d never say out loud. Write down any thoughts that come to mind. Let yourself release anything you are holding inside. No one will see this paper, so allow yourself to unload the feelings taking up space. Is there resentment? Anger? Shame? Disappointment? Let it out, identify it, untangle it, and release it.
3. Plan your conversation.
Eventually, you will come to a place where you have identified what you want your supervisor to know. You can write this out, ask a trusted friend to role-play, and prepare notes to help you.
Consider your work environment- Do you want another colleague to be in the room? Is this conversation going to happen with your boss? With their boss? Is there a formal channel or process for you to navigate? The meeting logistics will be a combination of your work environment, company policies, and your intuition.
A conversation like this is best when it is direct and focused on the outcome. We can get lost in the details, or get stuck in a back-and-forth the longer the conversation lasts. I recommend a few basic points, and to not engage further, even if the conversation is taken into another context. Always circle back to your main points- the intention, the desired outcome.
Here is an outline I prepared, when I had this similar conversation:
If I had to describe my work environment, I would say it is _______________.
This is causing me to feel ____________. This has affected my ability to do my job and is affecting my ability to enjoy my free time. I am not OK with this.
Is this your intention, or am I misunderstanding your leadership style?
I would like to explore how we can move forward working together in a more _________ environment.
4. Document.
They might resist. They might take ownership. Or, you might leave this conversation on the same page! Regardless of the outcome, document. Send an email to acknowledge the conversation and summarize the outcomes you agreed on. If things do not improve, you might need to take this one step above your manager and will likely be asked if you have tried to speak to them directly.
I believe everyone wants to have a good experience at work. I know it might not feel like that, I didn’t start Link for nothing ;). But I think courageous conversations like these, where you approach someone with intention and integrity, can make a huge impact. When we don’t take the time to check in with someone, we begin to meet them where they are, becoming a little more closed off and a little less compassionate. Having a conversation invites someone to know how they are making you feel (despite how obvious it can feel to us, they really might not know). It creates an opportunity for the relationship to improve. Alternatively, it gives you the data you need to seek change.
What happens with this conversation is out of your control. I know it can be scary to navigate. But I can tell you that having this conversation is choosing yourself, your well-being, and your joy. It’s setting boundaries. It’s deciding that you deserve better and making a commitment to it. Regardless of the outcome of this exact situation, by speaking up you are planting a seed that will continue to blossom and change your life. I am proud of you and sending strength.
What would you add? What will you try? Share in the comments. Let’s keep working together to keep the office vibes up!
